Why I Love Fantasy and Why this Shit Sucks.

This is an indictment of fantasy. I love fantasy and science fiction. Not like, love. It took a good friend to hammer it into my head that fantasy movies and television have always sucked. Entertaining? Yes. But in the end, if you really take a good, hard look at it, the fantasy genre sucks balls. Just because it’s better now versus say, The Sword and the Sorcerer, doesn’t mean I want to watch nine hours of hobbits walking around New Zealand. I want Game of Thrones to be breathtaking. I want it to crush me. It hasn’t. So here are a few points I would like to make concerning GoT and fantasy films in general.

Hey hot lady that can push smoke demons out of her cootchie. If you can push a fucking smoke demon out of your cootchie that can kill anyone…the next time a possible future king puts his hands around your throat, smoke demon cootchie the shit out of him.

Hey mystical huge dogs that are awesome. If the only awesome thing I get to know about you is a rumor that is told about young king stark riding you into battle and crushing foes, then in season three could you show up and eat a fucking doggie treat all magically and shit?

Dear small dragons: Um, okay, I would like it if you weren’t something that the neighborhood alley cat might accidentally pee on. I know you are small. Get big, breath some fire and fuck some serious shit up already. You are dragons.

Dear Peter Dinklage: I would totally watch this show if it were just about you. It wouldn’t even need to be Game of Thrones. It could be Game of Dishes. Every week I watch you clean a fork that has egg yolk caked on it. Seriously, you are such a pleasure to watch. I would also like to be rich enough to afford the privilege of setting a very expensive drink on your head.

Hey Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. My friend Ariana wants to put a vicious vaginal hurt on your package. So does everyone else. So fuck you. Also, congrats on looking like a Ken Doll from planet handsome.

Hey Nikolaj, if you ever want to just talk or maybe have some coffee…

Dear writers of Game of Thrones: More boobies does not equal plot. Sorry, dear HBO, more boobies does not…oh fuck it. We all like boobies. Thanks.

Hey undead blue-eyed dudes that we haven’t seen since episode fucking one (okay, Snow killed one later on). It is hard enough putting up with season two of The Walking Dead, if you make this show any shittier I am going to have to stop telling Ariana that How I Met Your Mother is a fanciful work of relationship destruction.

Hey ridiculously hot actresses that have thus far refrained from boobage-showing. Screw you too, those naked, recurring wannabees blow you out of the water. Except you Sophie Turner, a friend of mine turned beet red when he found out you were only fifteen. Seriously, we were all secretly ashamed.

And finally, what the fuck Hollywood? Is it that hard to tell a story in this genre? Is it that fucking hard to just tell the same stories in this genre that are told and have been told since the beginning of time? Where is our Shawshank Redemption with elves and unicorns? Where is our Brazil with nightmarish reality and Terry Gilliam firing on all cylinders? Okay, he nailed that one. Where is our Dances With Wolves with hot blue bitches and sentient 3D dandelions blowing in the wind? I beseech you. Yes we like to look at pretty fantasy worlds. Tell us a fucking story.

p.s. That little shit boy king needs to die a horrible fucking death. Please try not to talk about it, show us a horrible fucking death. I would actually watch an entire season of his prolonged death. It is such a good performance that I wouldn’t mind dating his mother with ill intent.

So here is my point. Those of us that have spawned from the nerdery love fantasy and science fiction. We love fantasy so much that we refuse to believe that the novels that changed our young lives have been brutalized in a different medium. I remember the first time I read Tolkien. I also remember when I stood in line with my then step-father and it was around the mother-fucking-block, to see Star Wars. We can blow Lucas as much shit as we want I suppose, but we have Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. We have nothing for fantasy. The eighties cheese of films like The Sword and The Sorcerer have just been updated with richer producers, and it seems that no one understands what all of the works of the geniuses of fantasy really mean to us, and cannot fathom for even a second how to express them on film. Most of us are just so damn happy, giddy even, to embrace anything in the genre that it doesn’t matter what the product is. I guess it is like being a Cubs fan.

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About wilsonericthomas

I will come back here and type something witty soon... (repeat 100 times.)
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6 Responses to Why I Love Fantasy and Why this Shit Sucks.

  1. demato says:

    Spot on, and …Legend….it was lame except for Tim Curry.

  2. Paul Teevan says:

    You want to see Joffery die? fine:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2W2xHM4cWo 5:20 if you’re impatient.

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