Oh this has been a long time coming. Finally, my chance at redemption. Finally I, Brick Shaft, was about to even an old score…or at least… get on the fucking scoreboard. I was about to wipe the slate clean, win one for the Gipper, and wake up the whole neighborhood. The King has returned! So I crept into our apartment, noticing my roomy’s door slightly ajar. The soft murmurs of peaceful, non-sexual bliss emanating from his room.
“Yeeesss.. they’re here…” I said to myself with unbridled glee.
The sounds beyond were awash with the gentle hum of mindless television, and the “cute if you’re desperate” shallow snoring of the infamous “Bob,” my constantly fornicating roommate.
“This place is a shithole..!” Blurted my guest with a look of utter astonishment on her face.
“Shhh, they’re sleeping. Don’t ruin this for me,” I whispered.
“And try not to accidentally clean anything,” I added.
We tiptoed into my room, leaving the door open for optimal auditory transference.
“You sleep here?”
“It’s rustic, just pretend I’m going to be famous some day.”
The stage was set, and I felt like the nervous star on opening night. This was going to be big. This….. was going to be huge! I’d endured a years worth of sweaty, loud, orgasmic nights the likes of which haven’t been seen since Sodom and Gomorrah. Now it was my turn…
I set the mood with a little romantic lighting…
“Mind if I put the TV on mute?”
I tantalized our nostrils with the fragrances of love.
“I just need to pick up some of this dirty underwear off the floor,…hey could you reach over and close my sock drawer?”
I showered her with flavors of exotic dreams.
“Hey, you hungry? I’ve got half a summer sausage and some Wheat Thins.”
Yes the mood was perfect. Her every word screamed, “I’m yours.”
“You know what Brick, you’re lucky I’m a single mother desperate for a good fuck; five years ago I would’ve slapped you stupid, lifted your money clip and took a fucking cab ride home…”
“Here’s to your lovely children…”
Finally, it was go time. The house was quiet, almost like Christmas. Our nickers were hung by the radiator with care, and not a sound could be heard….except the loud moaning of a woman reaching orgasm.
“ Yeah! Hear that fuckers! Wooohooo! I dare ya to walk down the hallway…I double dare ya!!”
“Yeah Goddamnit wooo! Ride ‘em cowboy! I’m comin’ back atcha I’m gonna keep on comin… You hear that you good for nothin’ rabbit-fucking roommates! The walls are SHAKIN’, and the earth is QUAK…oh fuck, I broke the condom, hold on honey…
Goddamn fucking Trojan-enz. Worthless ass condoms. I snuck back down the hall to check on fuck central. Not a peep. All was quiet on the fornication front.
I waited a moment. Held my breath. Nothing.
“Oh man! I know you’re in there! It’s high time you listened to me for once Goddamnit!”
Silence. Nothing but the whir of a fan and the static from a television that had been left on.
“I’m doing some serious fucking over here for once you know!”
The cat stared at me from across the living room as if to say “Get over it Shaft.”
I however would not be denied my moment of triumph. I marched back into my room like MacArthur,.. only naked,.. prepared to wage a final battle. She was already sleeping.
“Hey! Wake up! (clap clap) We’ve got some serious fucking to do,” I announced.
“I got mine, you get yours.”
I stood at the crossroads, staring into the depths of the void. Broken down, and beaten, I stared into my soul…and found the strength…the strength to do…..the impossible!
I sucked every toe, licked every instep, massaged every thigh, caressed every buttox! I slobbered my way through adversity, commanding an erection and a green light from the body before me!! I …through will…and will alone….made her scream with the utmost of ecstasy,…sucking and fucking my way into the core of her very existence!!!!
We climaxed together in a moment of absolute bliss that has rarely been seen in the history of the universe!!!!!
And then I fell asleep.
As I stepped back into our apartment after escorting my date to her cab the next afternoon, I was greeted by my beloved roommate “Bob.”
Bob: Did you call a cab?
BS: Yeah, I had someone over, she needed to get home.
Bob: Oh, well the cab company called to make sure you were still around.
BS: We didn’t keep you up or anything did we?
Bob: Didn’t even know you were here.
Carol: Hey Brick, how’s it going?
BS: Fine, didn’t keep you up did I?
Carol: No why? I slept like a baby.
Bob: Brick met someone.
BS: Yeah really…shouldn’t you guys be fucking or something..?
Carol: Well now that you mention it, we didn’t have sex last night…..and I take it you did….wow…what is this a leap year or something?
BS: Yeah there was an extra day inserted just so I could fit this into my busy sexual schedule…
Carol: that’s nice, you’re so funny..
Sigh, foiled again.