For Peter, New Religion

New Religion

I want to start a religion. Everyone else seems to have a religion. You’ve got your Christians, Catholics, Buddhists, New-agers, your Satanists, Mormons, Pagans, the list goes on and on, with a mind-numbing number of offshoots and splinter groups. (It’s funny because I’m sure any of those sects would most likely be offended to be mentioned in the same sentence with the rest of em…isn’t that funny?)
I want to start a new religion. And I want to have just as many fucked-up rituals and beliefs as everyone else. I’m human, I’m allowed. It’s part of the whole humanity package it seems.
First of all my new religion needs a name. Now, it has to be catchy……for the kids.


Mission Statement:

We are so confident that we are right we don’t even need to kill anybody.

Holidays, Rituals, and other excuses to do kooky things wearing ridiculous ornate attire:

In the spirit of all other religions we will, on every Wednesday, pull a card from the tarot, place it on a cross, sit cross-legged, wear a funny hat, psychically heal someone, and sacrifice a rat.

On every seventh Thursday we will fast. …until lunch.

During any Solar Eclipse, we will run as fast as we can towards the edge of the Earth, in hopes to accidentally shove the Fanatic whackos in front of us off the face of existence. Stopping just short of the end of the block because we are out of breath and need a cigarette.

Every Saturday will be known from now on as “Holy Keg Day.”(mushrooms optional)

On the first Tuesday of every month we will stand outside abortion clinics with “Free Mandela” signs looking like we don’t know what we’re doing.

On the first Monday of every month we will stand outside state prisons with “Free The Fetus’” signs still looking like we don’t know what we’re doing.

On every Sunday of every month (in the south) we will stand outside our local liquor stores with “Free The Scotch” signs looking like we know exactly what we are doing.

And on the 24th of every December we will hack down every pine tree in sight and make a go-cart out of it, set it on fire and push it towards a Nativity scene.

Fervent Beliefs:

The Earth is flat, but the Universe is really, really round.

Cigarettes don’t kill people, people without cigarettes kill people.

Anyone with a definitive opinion on anything needs to go stand at the edge of the earth and wait for a Solar Eclipse.

Anyone at the edge of the Earth without a cigarette, gets pushed off first.

Christians make good pillows, Catholics make good coats.


The glass isn’t half full or half empty, I just want to know which fucker drank out of my glass…

Owning everything isn’t nearly as interesting as ruining someone who owns everything.

People that live in glass houses need to wake up and smell the cost-effectiveness that is brick.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one heard it, that means we are likely to get off Scot Free and hopefully we hit the Republican Senator we were aiming for.


The systematic deconstruction of society as we know it, along with the acquisition of some really good piece of ass.

More ass in general.

Peace for all mankind. Food, kindness, love. A shared belief that we count for something. That we matter. A true brotherhood. Who’s with me?


About wilsonericthomas

I will come back here and type something witty soon... (repeat 100 times.)
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2 Responses to For Peter, New Religion

  1. Eli Hunter says:


  2. Mark Tarr says:

    Where do I sign?

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