Citizen Flintstone Goes To College
Good Lord I’m going back to school twenty years after dropping out. Tired and flabby, I’m about to immerse myself once again in the timeless American collegiate tradition: Gratuitous Fucking. Or in my case Gratuitous Attempts at Fucking. Sober and old, I’m about to surround myself with a bunch of drunken teenagers. At a state school no less. So stupid drunken teenagers, as if there were a need for distinction. Maybe with some serious surgery I could pass myself off as near mid-twenties. All I need is an acid peel and a lobotomy. Perhaps something to magically tighten my wrinkled, flaccid ball-sack and I just might get laid. Nothing gives away your age like a craggy nut-bag. I wonder if I could actually get someone to Botox my balls.
I checked out the grounds yesterday. Circling the perimeter in search of promising prey–looking like some aged lion ever watchful for wounded gazelle down by the watering hole. I tried not to overtly ogle the countless coeds descending on campus. Spring shorts tight; books, bags and lattes in hand. I always had a talent for picking out the bird with the broken wing. Which is what it’s going to take this time around if I want nineteen-year-olds to fondle my stinky twinky.
Even more amusing are the credits that transferred from Syracuse University; well actually, the ones that didn’t transfer. I may very well have to stand in front of a panel and take an oral competency exam. Since my English credits do not seem to apply at Northern, I believe I will be required to prove my competency in my native tongue. Here is an excerpt:
Part I is a 45-item listening exam that takes one full hour to complete. The exam (including instructions, sample question, stimuli and questions) is on videotape. Students view and listen to a variety of communication exchanges, including televised interviews, discussions of public issues, formal speeches and informal arguments, and are asked questions about those exchanges. The exam is machine scored by Testing Services.
For Part II, students must prepare and present a 5-6 minute extemporaneous persuasive speech. Students are provided a copy of the rating form used to assess the speech and a list of topic areas and prototypical audiences from which to choose prior to presenting the speech. Speeches are rated by a panel of COMS 100 faculty. Following the speech, each student is asked a series of brief questions about the speech. The student’s oral answers to those questions are also
Okay, so who out there would like a written transcript of my extemporaneous persuasive speech? I think best topic suggestion here wins. Here are a few off the top of my head:
1. Why I am smarter than everyone in the room. (PowerPoint presentation with color pie-charts, graphs, and XTC soundtrack.)
2. Why five to six minutes is not nearly enough time to exhibit the awe-inspiring, almost God-like intellect I possess, and my near limitless expanse of knowledge on practically every single topic imaginable–expertly demonstrated entirely through interpretive dance.
3. Why the guy that went before me was an idiot and why his speech sucked.
4. Why “ass to mouth” can be really good for a young woman’s self-image.
5. Why Women’s Studies majors should spend their weekends washing my penis.
What if, God forbid, I actually have to take freshman English? Oh the humanities…
Sorry, bad pun.
My new student orientation is next week, where I should have a clearer picture of what my graduation requirements are. Jesus, what the fuck am I thinking? Certainly I can come up with a better plan than going five figures into debt over the next few years just to surround myself with young girls? Sigh.
Citizen Flintstone…signing off.