I was born a real go-getter. A real people person. I learned at a very young age that family and guests didn’t exactly appreciate the smell of poopy diapers, so I would hide behind the curtains to do my business. Now that’s a level of public responsibility that most infants cannot claim, and I feel that I have continued to be conscious of appropriate social behavior throughout my life. My first word would become my moniker, or more appropriately my call in the coming years. Much to the chagrin of my loving mother, one of my father’s degenerate artist friends decided to teach me the word “bullshit”, which I happily applied to all conversations within which I was included. Little did I know how important that word would become in my life.
Childhood was bullshit. I spent the first two years after my parent’s divorce living in some ratty apartments in the South Bronx. He married a Jewish woman who worked in psychotherapy. There’s a shocker. How come everyone even remotely involved in the field of psychology is so terminally fucked up? Just an early observation—anyway, if you aren’t familiar with the South Bronx, I was the white cultural influence there. I remember screwing up the “7-up” game on my first day in second grade and getting my ass kicked by Tyrone and Jesus after school. Apparently the “7-up” game was sacred to the denizens of the South Bronx, and I most certainly deserved a good ass beating for the sacrilege I had committed. But this experience taught me to be aware of the cultural mores and rituals prevalent in my surroundings, a character trait that will most assuredly be a benefit for me in the work force.
Culture shock is bullshit. I moved from the South Bronx to Norman Oklahoma in the third grade. I met my first friend, Ritchie, who apparently was one of many children in Norman that had a booger collection. Using the knowledge I had gained from my previous ass-beating experiences in New York, I praised his booger collection and all others that would come across my path. I was a big hit. And unbeknownst to me I was demonstrating a level of ass kissing that takes most men decades to hone. Once again, building my skills to eventually enter the work force. Norman was not a town full of highbrow intellectual stimulation, a perfect environment for me to develop the proper skills needed for a respected and valued worker in corporate America. I learned that when your father is drunk, just like when your boss is pissed, stay out of the way and look busy. Invaluable information for the young, ambitious corporate ladder climber.
Junior High was bullshit. We had a teacher in Wisconsin that had free reign to beat the shit out of us kids. He used to call you up to the front of the class, make you hold out your hands and smash them with a ruler with all his might. Everyone was too scared to say a word. We got him back though. Calvin had an attack dog that had a penchant for old white ass. We waited until Halloween, all of us in masks, and set the dog on him in the parking lot. When there was an investigation by the Principal I stepped forward being the “A” student, expressed my innocence, and exposed him for his violent behavior towards the children as the reason for the attack. Ms. Campbell turned out to be quite a pleasant replacement. I have read that the best in business learned at an early age how to handle difficult situations with extreme measures and inter-personal manipulation. I cannot think of a better example than this.
High school was bullshit. But I did learn another lesson that should assist me in my mission to be all that an employee can be in this country. Charisma is everything. Forget Algebra—learn to be charming. Charm, and if you are lucky, good looks, can get you into any door in the world. My freshman English teacher literally gave me an “A” because he liked my style. I didn’t even turn in half the moronic projects he had for the class, and if that isn’t a hard sell then I don’t know what is. I mean really, what the fuck is my haiku poem going to do for me? I’ll tell you what nodding my head in agreement during a political conversation after school did. It got me a free ride. Once again, demonstrating the art of schmooze that will propel me to fiscally abundant heights with whatever company realizes my lifelong dedication to the Art of American Business. I also learned to weigh my strengths and weaknesses. My father was on the board of deans at Syracuse University, so who gives a shit if my Spanish teacher thought I was an asshole? Know what your future is likely to hold. And know whose ass to kiss. Important lessons for a young, ambitious corporate ladder climber.
College was bullshit. All the drugs made me forget all the lessons I’d learned. By the end I almost had to start all over. Sex, alcohol, and illegal substances can cloud even the clearest of business minds. But I did learn yet another important lesson. Men judge other men by how fantastically good looking and charming the women they are with seem. And in all fairness, quite often vice versa. For all intents and purposes you could be the biggest schmucko on campus, but not with Babs on your arm. With Babs you get into all the best parties. With Babs you don’t wait in line at the most popular bar. With Babs you are the envy of every horny eighteen-year-old dorm room dork. And they fear and respect you. Gaining respect through fear is almost the most important business related lesson you can learn. I cannot stress this enough.
Art is bullshit. Resist the urge to explore your innate creativity. In my case it was music. Heading down the path of artistic enlightenment can only hinder your chances at financial stability. After college, I spent almost two years in Boulder Colorado. This town, and all like it, including Madison Wisconsin, should be avoided at all costs by any serious minded future businessman. Although while finding the rampant sex, illegal drugs, and trippy music quite pleasing, it was a hollow experience. Luckily, the lessons I had learned earlier in life were enough to get me through it alive. This is another point I cannot stress enough. At all costs, avoid people wearing tie-dye.
Retail is bullshit. I moved back to Chicago to begin my career in business. Taking what I could get, I enlisted with a fine young entrepreneur whose particular expertise was shoes. Once again though I learned an important lesson in economics. If you are going to be a small fish, at least be in a big pond. If you are one of only a handful of employees at a ma and pop business, you’re going to get blamed for an awful lot of shit that goes wrong. Take my word for it. Lock yourself into a long-term business relationship with a huge corporate conglomerate. At least there you can bury yourself in relative anonymity, and with the proper ass kissing skills, avoid any blame or responsibility for the majority of your career. And besides, how much profit can you make off of struggling to get some old smelly woman’s size twelve foot into the size six shoe she thinks should fit her?
Marrying rich is bullshit. I know what you’re thinking—don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Well I am here to tell you I learned a valuable lesson while engaged to a millionaire. Living vicariously through someone else’s wealth is not all it’s cracked up to be. Sure waking up at noon, eating a continental breakfast, watching the movie of my choice on our big screen TV, and then retiring to the computer room for a hard afternoon of computer gaming doesn’t suck. Sure eating out at the finest restaurants, buying tickets to all the hottest shows and experiencing all that Chicago has to offer it’s elite isn’t immediately stale. But when the love fades, and the music dies down who do you think is going to end up on the streets eh? That’s right. Very important lesson in business. Earn your own damn money, then you can treat people like shit all you want. Tired of your current girlfriend? Get a new one! Throw the old hag out; I’m sure she’s got family! Now some folks have asked me, “Why didn’t you use the lessons you had learned earlier in life, and kissed her ass?” Well for one, nearing the end of our relationship her ass was getting so fucking big I was afraid I’d get sucked into its gravitational field and never be heard from again. By the time we were through her ass, once two, tiny, quivering mounds of scented flesh had become twin peaks of Gouda and Brie, with rivers of cottage cheese running down her thighs. But that’s beside the point. The drive to earn lots of money is an important step for any young businessman. And never let anyone talk you into taking a philanthropic job such as helping abused children. It was an entire waste of my time; no one told me those kids had no money.
Mortgage banking is bullshit. I thought I’d finally found my calling. Here was the kind of ruthless, backstabbing, vicious, occupation I was bred for. Chock full of political subterfuge and voracious unrelenting greed. Oh daddy. There’s nothing like taking an eighty-year old woman to the cleaners, by charging her an arm and a leg for a loan that jacked her interest rate up so high she was in foreclosure within a year. And it’s still not enough. But hey what did you expect? I’m a product of my environment. I take no responsibility for my actions. I am going to take and take and take until there is nothing left at all. I am an American businessman, and I am going to squeeze every penny out of every sale I can get my bloodstained hands on. I’m going to bury every dream I ever had in pursuit of the almighty dollar. So whatever the job is, I am the man for your company. Whether it’s selling stocks or selling souls I have the skills. I….am a team player.