Some time ago I wrote a piece responding to an email regarding a Chinese Tantra Totem. I presented the piece unedited with my revisions point for point. I would once again like to offer my version of this advice for ”manners every kid should know” with the caveat that it is for exceptionally intelligent children. The rest of you kids can toe the line or fuck off, I don’t care either way.
Helping your child master these simple rules of etiquette will get him noticed — for all the right reasons.
By David Lowry, Ph.D.
Your child’s rude ‘tude isn’t always intentional. Sometimes kids just don’t realize it’s impolite to interrupt, pick their nose, or loudly observe that the lady walking in front of them has a large behind. And in the hustle and bustle of daily life, busy moms and dads don’t always have the time to focus on etiquette. But if you reinforce these 25 must-do manners, you’ll raise a polite, kind, well-liked child.-
When asking for something, say “Please.”
“Please” doesn’t always work my little, sharp-minded cherubs. Sometimes you have to appear intimidating especially to your peers. Words can be used in many ways. The next time you need to dominate a situation, try saying “please” while allowing it to ooze out of your seething face like acid. Pick your nails with a switchblade or a Pokémon card for added effect.
When receiving something, say “Thank you.”
This is assuming that you are pleased with what you have received. If you are receiving a beating from a parental figure for example, try something different. If “stop hitting me you cunt” doesn’t work, perhaps “I’m sorry I found your porn,” or “I love you” might do the trick. Then again, you are a genius… anyone beating on you should be dead already.
Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.
The majority of humanity wouldn’t notice a smoke alarm at a wedding reception until their fucking cummerbunds were on fire. Adults certainly aren’t noticing tiny, little you. In case of emergency, get out and let them burn. You are a genius, and therefore self-sufficient enough that you don’t need anything from those assholes. Seek out intelligent adults. They will recognize your genius. They will interrupt those very same grown-ups that are boring the shit out of both of you. Unless they are busy trying to get laid.
If you do need to get somebody’s attention right away, the phrase “excuse me” is the most polite way for you to enter the conversation.
Sometimes to get what you want, you have to weigh “polite” versus “effective.” This is about risk and reward. I hope as a young genius you are an accomplished poker player with a righteous stock portfolio. Everything is about risk and reward my little prodigies.
When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.
This is fundamentally terrible advice. If you have any doubt, then you are knee-deep in some potentially fucked up shit, genius. Ask permission? Why not saunter down to the police station and get fingerprinted while you’re at it.
The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.
As a genius there is going to be copious amounts of shit you dislike. By the age of eleven you should pretty much hate everybody. Unfortunately, the world is not interested. Shout it from the rooftops anyway.
Do not comment on other people’s physical characteristics unless, of course, it’s to compliment them, which is always welcome.
There are only so many years during which you can get away with commenting on other people’s characteristics with impunity. Don’t waste them.
When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.
Once again, this is assuming you give a shit about this person. As a genius, you probably already know how to glad-hand someone. If the situation requires it, sure, tell them how great P.E. class was today. Then ask them what getting old is like.
When you have spent time at your friend’s house, remember to thank his or her parents for having you over and for the good time you had.
Once again, terrible advice. Never give any voice of authority an option to stop thinking about themselves for a second. Why would you want them to consider what kind of fucking good time you had? They are most likely miserable twats that hate all joy in the world; never show them any. Never let anyone tell you that there aren’t miserable twats in this world. Miserable twats tell you such things.
Knock on closed doors — and wait to see if there’s a response — before entering.
Unless of course you want some really great childhood memories.
When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.
Screaming incoherently and then hanging up can also be effective. Everything has caller I.D. Microwave ovens have caller I.D. When pure genius is not enough to frighten the enemy, feel free to completely lose your shit.
Be appreciative and say “thank you” for any gift you receive. In the age of e-mail, a handwritten thank-you note can have a powerful effect.
This is old people telling you to embrace an age gone by that they refuse to let go. The first half of that statement has already been addressed, and the second half I have a story for. Unfortunately for you, the story isn’t true.
Never use foul language in front of adults. Grown-ups already know all those words, and they find them boring and unpleasant.
Fuck. Cunt. Twat. Insecure, bright people like words that make stupid people uncomfortable. These aren’t them. Geniuses understand how people move, and what motivates them. If you walk up to a crowd of adults and call them out on being a bunch of fucking hypocrites my righteous cherubs, I guarantee it won’t be the word “fucking” that they are miffed about. What they really don’t like is the truth. Neither will you my tender little geniuses, but turn as you may, there is no escape.
Don’t call people mean names.
If you have already celebrated your eleventh birthday, this will be difficult.
Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak, and ganging up on someone else is cruel.
It’s unfortunate that young geniuses need ample time to figure out that being smarter than everyone else is actually an attribute. It’s one hell of a wrecking machine. Pick one bully. Destroy them with your mind. Standing idly by, as the previous statement suggests, is complicit.
Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend that you are interested. The performers and presenters are doing their best.
Bullshit. Every performance is everyone doing their best always? Even if it’s boring, pretend? As a young genius you should know by now that most artists suck. You will probably be very artistically inclined, and yet want to punch many of them in the face. It should take several, brilliant friends to drag you to a show. It could still suck; that is how lackluster the art world is out there. Time is precious. Geniuses do not have an afterlife to spend discussing crappy bands and their shitty songs, or theater performances that were completely destroyed by the talentless chick everyone wanted to bang in high school.
If you bump into somebody, immediately say “Excuse me.”
Try that in New York, Chicago, Tokyo, Paris…Et cetera. You are a genius. You probably already know how to teleport.
Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and don’t pick your nose in public.
Little geniuses, it might also be a good idea not to pick your ass, scratch your crotch, or violently masturbate when anyone else is around. If Manner #18 were given the room to run, guys in vans providing free candy would be out of business.
As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.
This one is so close. I would change but one word.
As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone attractive.
If you come across a parent, a teacher, or a neighbor working on something, ask if you can help. If they say “yes,” do so — you may learn something new.
There is some truth to this one little geniuses. Only if you have exhausted every other conceivable, personal endeavor. You will definitely learn something new. That you will never use.
When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.
So some large, manipulative fuck is trying to play you? Destroy them with your mind.
When someone helps you, say “thank you.” That person will likely want to help you again. This is especially true with teachers!
A decent teacher definitely did not write this. Manner #2, Manner #12, and now Manner #22 are repetitive. Look for shit like this my brilliant, young, future visionaries. When you find shit like this on a regular basis, start drinking heavily.
Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure how to do so, ask your parents to teach you or watch what adults do.
Yeah, you don’t want to do that. The watching what adults do thing. Stay off the internet for the most part as well. Read everything decent you can get your hands on and stay in your room. Find other brilliant people after you have learned some Karate. I have seen people eat whole chickens with their fists, so you go ahead and fuck up the salad fork thing if you want to.
Keep a napkin on your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.
Geniuses take notice. There are things you can wipe yourself with. When no one is looking it doesn’t have to be a napkin.
Don’t reach for things at the table; ask to have them passed.
Well, since this is a closer my beloved geniuses, let me finish with a word about table manners. It will have a larger meaning attempting to encompass everything.
Pretty much everyone else at the table, wants to rape you with whatever utensil they’ve got.