Rewriting History With Five Pics #1

Born Franklin Delano Cocke to Holden Cocke, a part-time florist/secret agent, and Ivana Cocke, a Bulgarian-American supermodel/podiatrist, Frank lived an ideal life his first few years. Home schooled by Swedish astrophysicists in Tibet, Frank was informed of winning the Coveted Rhodes scholarship during the daily changing of his diapers. Even though terribly traumatized at the age of two by the divorce of his parents, and subsequent disappearance of his father, (resulting in a now infamous early drinking problem) Frank would go on to attend Harvard at nine, and then Oxford at the age of eleven. Seen here with Dr. Valborga Bjurstrom, and favorite beverage.

Graduating Oxford at seventeen egregia cum laude with doctorates in French, Economics, and Physical Education, Frank is seen here meeting the mysterious Mr. Wang for the first time. His failed attempt to recruit young Frank to a specialized kick-murder splinter organization of Greenpeace funded by the NSA, left Frank with offers from some of the most prestigious companies and institutions in the world. Frank shocked everyone by instead, choosing to pursue his associates degree in Media Arts and Technology at DeVry.

Upon completing his tutelage at the prestigious DeVry Institute of Technology, and after touring for three and a half years with the surviving members of the eighties pop band A-HA, Frank is once again seen here meeting with the mysterious Mr. Wang—who is cleverly disguised as an airline pilot. While the details of this meeting remain sketchy, it has been confirmed that Mr. Wang did reveal his true identity, Holden Cocke, Frank’s long lost father; to which Frank screamed, “that’s not possible!” Frank then attempted to throw himself off an imaginary weather platform into a reactor chasm, resulting in an uncomfortably silent trip to the emergency room.

Frank went on to spend the better part of a decade traveling the country as a bachelorette party entertainer. Seen here without pants about to juggle a lit cigarette, glass of scotch, and  a live phone call from the set of Oprah, Frank was informed by the ladies that he was a “grower” and not a “shower,” and probably should find another line of work. Not to be deterred, he then gave a spirited lecture entitled: Feminism and Colon Cancer—You Only Pay Attention When You Have To. Followed by another uncomfortably silent trip to the emergency room.

Now in his early forties and married to former child star Chastity Bono, Frank has found his true calling. Seen here performing in the off, off-Broadway production of Cabaret in the role of Sally Bowles—made famous by Liza Minnelli—Frank is undeterred by the constant barrage of bad reviews. New York Times Artsbeat blogger Erik Piepenburg writes simply: “Frank Cocke singing and dancing? I’d rather dig up and fuck my dead cat.”

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About wilsonericthomas

I will come back here and type something witty soon... (repeat 100 times.)
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