At least ten times a year I am forwarded some such nonsense as this, usually care of my mother whom I sometimes regret ever giving my email; so I have decided to offer up the “Eric Wilson” edited version of the Chinese good luck tantra totem she sent me—whatever the fuck that is. The names change but they’re all basically the same. A list of life practices so outdated they make Leave It To Beaver look like donkey porn, followed by a request to send the idiotic ramblings on to annoy everyone else you have on file. I have not edited a single line of the original copy, only offering my version; so please feel free to incorporate my updated version of the Chinese good luck tantra totem for the 21st Century.
THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK TANTRA TOTEM.
You may not believe in this but the advice is great! Read all the way down, you might learn something!!!
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Fuck that. Give people exactly what they deserve, and do it posthaste—preferably with a sneer. People suck. Deal with them as quickly and efficiently as possible. If they give you any lip about it, put their eye out with a lobster fork and take a tire iron to their kneecaps. Then of course, take back whatever you, in your boundless generosity, gave them in the first place—and whatever else they have in their pockets for your trouble and run like hell. Clean, and get rid of the fork.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
What a fetid pile of lifeless, steaming possum dung this one is. As you get older, their conversational skills will be about as important to you as your navel. You heard every damn thing they had to say, in every combination of ways they had to say it, the first six months you were together. Marry someone who likes to do the day-in day-out shit that has to be done, that you loathe doing. Marry someone who isn’t going to nag you incessantly. Now there’s a catch. Marry someone that doesn’t look out of place in a bathing suit sitting by a pool drinking a Mai Tai. Marry someone with a nice smile and a good firm handshake so you don’t feel like such a fucking loser at all the company outings you fool. Good conversationalist. Yes I’d like to introduce my spouse, Bridge Troll,…quite the conversationalist.
Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
Sleep as much as you fucking can, it’s about all you got coming to you in this world. Besides, the more you sleep, the less you spend, and the less bullshit you have to hear.
When you say, “I love you”, mean it.
Well at least look like you mean it you jackass. We throw that damn word around way too much as it is. We really should have a word for our spouses that means: “I tolerate your shortcomings, for I have weighed my options and you are the one best suited for my needs available and attainable at this juncture.”
When you say, “I’m sorry”, look the person in the eye.
This is good advice. Good eye contact always helps the sell for some reason. If you need help getting your eye to tear, review your dismal life up to this point.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Be on the safe side, make it a year. You’ll need that extra six months of conversational down time to fully realize what you’re really getting into.
Believe in love at first sight.
And while you’re at it, believe in angels watching over you, and fairy tales coming true you sappy, starry-eyed, chick-flick loving Nancy.
Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
Oh for fuck’s sake! Wait. Wait a minute. Maybe it meant don’t laugh at anyone’s dreams right in front of their face. You know, out loud and so completely out of control that the spittle of your indifference to their feelings sprays forth covering their expressions of shattered disbelief? Ok, I can see that.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
Rather than love deeply, I prefer to be in the moderately shallow pool of mutual acceptance, solidified by an unconscious mistrust wrapped in a blanket of lifelong malaise and indifference. An illusion shattered only with the infrequent highs and lows brought about by drug addiction, self-loathing and domestic violence. Now that’s living life completely baby! Who’s with me?
In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name-calling.
Why stop there? Make sure they know all of your weaknesses and hot buttons while you’re at it. Shit, why don’t you make it easier on everyone, and just tell your opponent to go sit down and have a drink on you, while you bitch-slap yourself into a stupor. When you’re finished you can throw yourself down a set of stairs and ask yourself if “you done yet,” or “do you need some more like that beotch?”
Don’t judge people by their relatives.
Okay, just don’t come crying to me when they turn into them in ten or twenty years either. Meeting the potential future in-laws is a veritable boon that cannot be disregarded. That is a window to your world baby! The mirror of things to come. Only a fool returns to the in-laws house where wine in a box and pants without shirts are the norm.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
Yes, make communicating your thoughts and ideas more difficult than it already is. Why not add a speech impediment while you’re at it.
When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
Or you can do as I do: Tell them to fuck off.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
I say stick with great food and great bowel movements. Low risk, and two of the more enjoyable ventures I must say. Seriously, anything you can’t achieve without great risk is…well…too fucking risky! I mean great risk to me is the imminent likelihood of death! To say you can’t be loved or achieve greatness without constantly sidestepping doom is…hey now…. Wait a minute…wait just a second! What about love at first sight? This piece of shit is contradicting itself! What risk is involved with love at first sight? I mean unless you’re crossing a busy intersection or something, what’s the risk? Now I’m really pissed…this is exactly the kind of sloppy, candy-coated propaganda that’s ruining my chances of getting laid more often.
Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.
Would it be too great a risk to ask that you hand me a fucking tissue instead? Or would you rather I wipe my snotty hands on your shirt? What does sneezing have to do with blessing someone anyway? It could’ve just as easily been a tradition to bless each other every time
we fart. It makes just as much sense.
When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
The only lesson losing has to offer you is that winners get laid more often. Don’t stand on the sidelines with your wang in your hand sobbing over the score. Cheat if you have to. Be a winner. Get laid. It’s better.
Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
Couldn’t that just be the two R’s? Respect for yourself and others, and Responsibility for your actions? Does three make it that much more dramatic? Besides I thought the three R’s were Reading, wRiting, and ‘Rithmatic. Oh I get it. That was sort of an association tactic as it were…sigh. Reading, wRiting, and ‘Rithmatic. Yet another All-American colloquialism I’m so proud of. Yes, only the Board of Education in the good ‘ol US of A would embrace the three scholastic fundamentals by misspelling one of them and capitalizing the second letter of another, so they’re easier to remember. If you are having trouble with this, then you are a retard, and probably can’t read, write, or add anyway.
Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
You know what? If a little dispute injured your “great” friendship, you need to sit at home with a bottle of scotch and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you, and why you have no real friends. Of course, behavior like that could’ve been what’s gotten you into trouble all along. Your family might have the answers but knowing you, you haven’t been invited to Christmas dinner in more than a decade you pathetic piece of horse shit. Seriously, everyone hates you. I hate you. On the plus side you’ll never be asked to help anyone move.
When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Unless nobody notices of course, right? Everybody makes mistakes. If we drag-ass around all day trying to fix them nothing’s ever going to get done. This single act, if followed religiously by the entire world, could shut down our economy and government as we know them. What’s this tantra totem trying to accomplish, worldwide mayhem?
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
You know what? I’ve seen people do that, and they look like fucking idiots. If you’re grinning from ear to ear before you even say “hello,” you’re hiding something. Only some kind of crazy bicycle seat sniffer plasters on a fake smile every time they answer the damn phone. If you want to do that on your own time that’s fine, just don’t do it around me it freaks me out. Scratch that, go ahead and do it around me, I want to know who to avoid with extreme prejudice in the future you weirdo.
Spend some time alone.
Hey, if any of the above rings true to you, spend a whole lotta time alone, and get used to it. Or go join some religious cult. Whatever you do, stay out of my way, you’re exactly the kind of nonsensical human I’ve grown to despise over the years. Maybe this kind of advice would be appropriate in an old 50’s episode of Father Knows Best but in this century it’s downright dangerous.
Now, here’s the FUN part! This tantra totem has been sent to you for good luck. It has been sent around the world ten times so far. You will receive good luck within four days of relaying this tantra totem. Send copies to people you think need good luck. Don’t send money, as fate has no price.
Send me the money!! Feel free to send me as much money as you would like; I promise you will feel so much better about yourself, and your luck is going to improve and so on and so forth. Go ahead and send the original tantra totem to whomever you think needs some good luck. I’m fine on luck, I need rent.
I’ll even take job offers in lieu of cold, hard cash. Seriously, contact me, and I’ll tell you where to send the loot. You are going to feel so much better after you give me money. I have to check my ‘rithmatic but I am fairly sure that there is a direct correlation between the amount of money you send me and the amount of luck and happiness you receive.
Do not keep this message. The tantra totem must leave your hands in 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious. Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
15 and above: Your life will improve drastically!!
The Tanta Totem may have to leave your hands in 96 hours, but you can mail me money anytime! I would like my pleasant surprise to be lots of money from all over the world.
So there you have it world! Words to live by courtesy of Eric Wilson! Email my wisdom to all your friends! Encourage them to send me money!
p.s. I love you mommy.